So, I had an epiphany last night, if you can call it that. And I suppose I have partly and secretly wanted all this time to believe that Myla has fallen in love with me. But the epiphany thingy came to me and I realized, she’s just being friendly and maybe a little flirty but not madly in love. Just mildly interested. Just mildly interested, Yuuta. I realize, since a lot of guys are fawning over her, that her way of being friendly is flirtatious but does not neccesarily mean she’s so, so in to me. Get a grip on reality, Yuuta. And I just happen to lack any experience when it comes to befriending girls that’s why I can’t tell if a girl is just being friendly.
In the end, I might be the one who is actually a tiny bit crazy over Myla. Just a tiny bit and not the other way around. Good grief, I hate myself. I’m turning thirty and I’m still a dumb schmuck.
But last Thursday, when our eyes sort of momentarily met, I thought I saw her crack a smile like she saw right through me. For that moment in time, I wished I could finally be vulnerable to another person. You know, like “Seduce me. Wrap me in your warm embrace even when I know you’re gonna destroy me” kinda’ thing. Yeah, I’m pretty desperate, aren’t I? It’s like I want Myla to toy with my feelings and drag me into a sweet, sweet temptation (this kind of reminds me of the movie Great Expectations). It’s like I want her to know it’s not hard to please me. Like I don’t care anymore if she’s narcissistic and full of herself. I wanted her to see right through me and for her to make a move. I’m totally thinking like a girl right now.
Ah, well, it’s just all wishful thinking. She’s not in to me, let me just make that clear. And I don’t think it’s possible for me to actually be in love with her at this stage.
What I am in love with at the moment is the “idea of love” like in that movie 500 Days of Summer.
August 26, 2019
On this day, fifteen years ago I turned 15. This year, Stacey is 15 and she was born on March 15. I’m currently 30 years old which is 15 mutiplied by 2. And the age gap between me and Stacey is 15 years
Talk about a year of redundant 15’s.
So, it’s my birthday today. Guess what happened? Nothing, other than the usual. But earlier tonight, Myla high-fived me! Ain’t that an interesting turn of events? Or maybe I’m just really, really, really, really, really, really, really dense. I don’t know. Well, I don’t feel like writing about what else happened today. Maybe some other time. I just took note of what happened today.
August 27, 2019
Okay, so I may be going about this the wrong way. I don’t feel like talking about last night on my birthday. There will be a time for that. For now, I must write about what my mind set should be about Myla.
Ever since that dream, I had this expectation that I will fall in love again. Even if that someone isn’t Stacey, if that feeling’s that good and real, I wouldn’t mind. But even when Myla openly said she’s not looking to have a boyfriend, I had this vision wherein I would let myself fall in live with her without insisting that we be together. It’s this idea of self-sacrificing, selfless love that I had going. But now I realize the error of thinking that way. It’s because of that one-track idea I had that I might’ve gotten the wrong assumption that Myla might like me in an overly romanticized way. It maybe because of that idea that I’m blowing everything out of proportions.
I can’t recall fully what I just realized earlier, but I think the realization is that I shouldn’t befriend Myla with the goal of falling in love with her. It just messes up things. I wanted a friend so, be just friends. I don’t know. I can’t really point out how I came to realize it. All I can say is I convinced myself to not fall in love with Myla. Just need to keep it simple. Just need to have some friends.
And, in the meantime, I’ll just fall in love with a fictional character. I’m currently in to Sam from The Perks of Being a WALLFLOWER. Just can’t get over it for the moment. It’s that darn dream’s fault, too. I set my expectations too high because of that dream. Well, if I can’t be in love with a real person, I’ll just be in love with anime, film, books and Sam. And basically go through life in a trance because all my dreams can’t come true☹
August 28, 2019
So! I just watched Weathering With You early this morning at Gateway Mall. And, having the penchant for the dramatic, I’m here right now at 7-Eleven writing with a cup of coffee. Because what kind of writer am I if I don’t have the penchant for the dramatic?
I cried my eyes out just after getting home. I mean, I already felt like crying in the cinema, but decided to hold back because there were people.
Pain and love is a universal thing, isn’t it? It’s so easy to understand and relate to. I don’t know what it is, but something about Shinkai’s film resonates within me. For some reason, I make the pain of these fictional characters my own. Or is it the pain of the storyteller I make my own?
I have this view of the Chapel here in 7-Eleven. It’s probably the same view me, Stacey and her cousins had way back when we hung out together.
Also, to note I went and watched Weathering With You wearing my “Whatever. I’ll just date myself” shirt😅
August 30, 2019
So! Here’s what kept me up so late last night.
Seems for the past few days all I do is lie down, and think and feel. I keep thinking over and over again about Myla, and what it all means, and what I should do. Not surprisingly, I kept wishing I was dead, too. I just don’t understand if this is affection or if I’m reading too much in to this.
But anyways, I wound up thinking about Stacey before I finally fell asleep. My imagination went wild again and it made me realize what I should do. The vision goes like this . . .
I see Stacey finally studying in NEW and I run up to her all giddy with excitement. On one version, I end up hugging her, but I was told by a professor that PDA in school wasn’t allowed. So, maybe I high-five her? Whatever. I just want to make Stacey feel uncomfortable and embarrassed because being weird is what I do. But I do genuinely miss her and am so happy to finally see her again . . . all grown up.
So, anyways I treat Stacey to some food in a nearby 7-Eleven. We don’t talk much and simply just be together. Stacey’s never been a big talker. I ask Stacey if she’s sad that she had to leave her friends in her previous school. I don’t know her answer. I say reassuring words to her. Everything will get better.
And then, I bring out my journal. This very journal that holds all my secrets and hopes. I tell Stacey it’s a diary so as to not confuse her. I give her this very diary. And I say . . .
“I just want you to know that I love you, and I’m ready to prove my conviction. I love you, Stacey, because that’s what I want to do. Because I choose to love you. But even if I love you, if you’re not the one God chose for me there’s nothing we can do. If we do end up being together, if that’s not part of God’s plans our union may just turn into a curse rather than a blessing. Because there’s another girl that I feel is meant for me. I’m not yet completely sure that that person is the one truly meant for me, but I still have to know.
“Don’t get me wrong, Stacey. I’m ready to prove my conviction when I said ‘I love you.’ I’m ready to take full responsibility, that’s what I’ve decided long before. But if the Father in heaven did not mean for us to be together, we should not contradict His plans. Because even when I do love you, we must love God the most. Afterall, I’m not the one who can save you but God and Christ alone. But even so, I love you, Stacey. Even if I end up with another girl, I will never forget the you that I came to know. That, at least, will never change. I will continue to love you whether near or far. I love you, Stacey, forevermore.”
At some point, I steal a kiss from her. To prove that I mean it. It’s wrong, I know. I hope that if I do manage to give her this journal, and tell her all those things that I don’t kiss her because it isn’t right. I hope I can keep myself from doing that.
But in all honesty, I don’t think I’ll end up with any girl. At all. Or, at least, I don’t deserve to. It’s because I’m this lazy, irresponsible, bum. I’d make a terrible boyfriend. I’d make a terrible anything, really.
– I’ve just rewatched Reality Bites today, an almost 3 decade-old film starring Wynona Reider or Rider, I don’t know (I rewatched The Last Kiss yesterday, too. Just to note). Anyways, having watched it again I had the impression that, well, Myla may be able to relate? I sure feel like she might like it. Oh, I don’t know. I have this weird idea that Myla and Red have the same love-hate relationship that the main characters in Reality Bites had. Oh, I don’t know. I have a terribly wild imagination. That’s one of the reasons I went coo-coo, but, anyways . . .
After the choral competition had finished, me, EJ and the others drove back to our Chapel where we were to finally begin our caucus. I figure it was just the four of us who would be having the caucus since I figure Red had already escorted Myla home, but, as it turns out, Red was just playing basketball with the others and Myla is, oh, I don’t know. Their cheerleader? Or is it as Lloyd described it, they’re ALL showing off to Myla?
We waited for them to finish their game before we started our caucus and during that time I got acquainted to Lloyd who happened to be reading Harry Potter and the Cursed Child. And, being me, I shared some trivias about the book even though I admitted to not having read it myself. In our short exchange of information, I learned that Lloyd was a part-time student and is currently taking Digital Animation in NEW. Seems we almost share the same interests and I may have found a friend in him, but that remains to be seen. I don’t know if it’s my self-persecuting mentality but before I went on my way after our caucus I sensed some aggression in his voice? Ah, I don’t know. I’m crazy, remember?
Before I go on, I would like to mention that there used to be a “game” app or something that got popular on fb. It’s where supposedly you’re to ask something to your crush and he/she won’t be notified it was actually you who posted it. Then, your crush can post your question publicly and he/she also shares to the public her answer to your question.
Basically, the point of the game is “confess without losing fez (face)” because “supposedly” your crush won’t ever have a way of finding out it was you. I did it. With Myla. Figured there was nothing to lose. But it wasn’t much of a confession anymore than it was a series of questions about whether or not she’d entertain my courting her . . . which, of course, I hardly got into doing because whatever. Well, I mentioned this because I don’t want to dismiss the possibility that Myla knows I am the one of the MANY who confessed to her on Profoundly. So, yeah, she has a lot of suitors, as it turns out. Sheesh! She must love how guys are going gaga over her.
And with that out of the way, I shall continue with my story. Myla and her boys finally came to the BKBN room and sat next to me but we got separated because of some commotion. But it’s worth pointing out that she purposely sat next to me. The thing is, I was already giddy with excitement not because of Myla, but because of Lloyd whom I had fun talking to. Then, Myla came and . . . I don’t know. It’s hard when you’re half-crazy. You can’t tell if a girl is giving you signals or if it’s all in your head and you’re going crazy! So, during the caucus we discussed some stuff for the Family Fun Day, some preparations. We also talked about designing the bulletin board and, hey, wouldn’t you know? Myla mentioned me. And so, we had a bit of exchange but that was that. It was hardly small talk because she just asked and I answered. And I still am not sure if she’s giving me signals or I’m going crazy again. A bit of exaggeration, I know, but you can never be so sure.
What’s the point, anyway? I feel that, even though she does really seem like a decent person compared to everyone else, she just likes the attention. You can almost say she is toying with me because who would be that interested in a person you hardly knew? I’m one to talk, aren’t I? Ah, I suppose I just can’t help but be pessimistic. Although, I did want to befriend her but not in this setting. Not in this “environment.” It’s like a world of high expectations and fleeting, instant gratification. I mean, why can’t she seem to contain her happiness when I’m around? It’s like she’s high or something. I just wanted to keep things chill: a few conversations here and there, and insert some funny remark. I can’t make my move when she’s being, well, this giddy little girl on cloud nine all the time. It’s not like I’m gunning to be her boyfriend. I’m not an ideal boyfriend to have at the moment anyways. It’s not like she’ll say yes, too.
In the dream, after I had given away some presents Myla approached me and it was her turn to stutter and mumble. It’s like the dream was telling me that Myla was just as awkward and timid as me. A kindred soul, perhaps. Two halves of the same coin . . . Oh, what do I know?
Oh, but I make it sound like Myla’s in to me but we don’t know that for sure. But if you ask me if I’m in to her, I can safely say no (in spite crying myself to sleep yesterevening). No, I hardly know the girl. But there is that dream and even with my effort to put my feet on the ground, part of me is hoping that my search is coming to an end.
I always include Stacey in my prayers. Every after Church, I would kneel before God and ask for blessings for me and my family. And after that, I would pray for Stacey’s well-being. I pray that God would not deny her the best life she can have, but mostly I pray for her soul so that even in spite her environment, her upbringing and the way she sees herself as half-bad she will break free from those bonds and find her place among God’s people.
And I don’t pray to be together with her again. When I pray, it’s no longer about me. It’s just her. I always wish the best for her. And you know what? I think this kind of sadness is beginning to be really addicting. It’ll be some time ’til something else tops that.
What makes the person the right one? The one you’ll want to spend your whole life with. The one you want to be the parent of your children. The one you want to share a family with. The faithful companion through thick and thin. Is it, as they say, like a soulmate, a missing part of you that’s waiting to be found? Is it like destiny, that your fates were meant to intertwine since the beginning of time? Is it something astronomical, bordering on the supernatural? Or is it merely biology, the instinct to procreate, to multiply for no other reason other than survival?
Ah, what is love? And what’s the point of loving someone? Why am I so hung up about all this? It’s like I’m tryong to creatr imaginary problems for myself out of sheer boredom. Well, anyways it’s not like I’m gonna ask Myla to be my girlfriend. Nope. No can do. Even if she made herself available, I just can’t. I’m turning thirty and I’m living on a unit that’s being paid for by my mom. My father HAS to babysit me because I’m useless on my own. Because I don’t know how the real world works. I spend my time playing games, playing Batman, playing BATMAN, and PLAYING BATMAN.
I’m not qualified for this romance crap because I will just end up embarassing myself . . . But I do want to be her friend. What can I say? I’d rather have one friend who is a girl than have a hundred friends who are all guys. I’m homophobic that way. I really don’t mind being friend zoned for the right reasons: in that I don’t want to be a burden to anyone. I want to be the “best” friend a girl can have . . . but not in a gay way, of course. Not in a gay way😁
August 10, 2019
So, I told mom about Myla and the dream. I told her all the weird stuffs I couldn’t comprehend, and after telling mom all that mom had this to say: girls don’t fall for guys instantly. I kind of already knew that. Maybe I just have my head above the clouds. Wish falling in love was as simple as looking at a person and say, “She’s the one.” Wish it was this magical thing where two people have been destined to be together even before the whole universe was conceived. I guess you can also somewhat say that I sort of wanted it to be Myla, I think? To be the one. Maybe. I don’t know.
I suppose she makes me feel . . . something. But its probably just a fleeting and trivial feeling (although I’ve been writing about Myla for almost a week now). The thing is, she might be showing her interest in me now, but once we get to know each other, I bet you a million bucks the magic will fade away.
– I had one of those freakin’ weird, intense dreams again. I dreamt about it the night we had our Year-end Socializing. As always, I was just “lurking.” Ever so mysterious and ever so alone, when EJ suddenly spotted me and had me man the sound system. He was gunning for a proposal that never came to be because of some technicalities and unexpected problems, so, I was immediately useless in that department. I was wearing my Levi Ackerman shirt that night so, I really stood out, haha!! Well, no. Not really. Hardly anyone noticed me except for EJ. Judie, my potential waifu, was there. And Myla, my second potential waifu, asked me if the laptop I was operating for the sound system thingy had a SHAREIt app to which I mumblingly replied, “No” and, “This isn’t mine.” Smooth as ever, Yuuta. And, sadly, there was no tomboy Stacey Angela in the midst of all those brethren. Ah, how I wish there was a way I can snatch her away from all those lesbian and bisexual teenagers, and maybe save her somehow. But it would seem this is the path she had chosen ever since she was a kid. “Half-bad ako,” (“I’m half-bad”) she told me once.
So, about the dream, it’s about Myla of all people. The dream felt intense that even after waking up I could still feel its intensity. You’d think I was in love with her or something, but nothing could be farther from the truth. And about the dream, there was a part there where she was the one stuttering. An echo of how I stuttered when she came to ask if the laptop had a SHAREit. In the dream, I was also trying to show the best of myself where, even though I did something wrong and mom scolded me harshly, I tried my best not to feel embarrassed. Instead, I waited for an opportunity to show my good side and I gave gifts to everyone, and Myla was there to see how confident I was. Crazy dream. Weird as hell. But it felt good. I was in love again even for just one night . . .
But just to be clear, I am not in love in reality. Not with Myla. Not with any girl. Not even with Stacey Angela. I’ve been looking at some girls, too. Just looking, but I’ve no idea who can be a potential partner. Actually, how will I ever know? I hardly go out of the house to meet anyone. I suck at this socializing thing.
Also, my cellphone got broke. How will I live my life now?! How can I go on?! But hopefully all it needs is a new battery and they may have one at the store. Here’s hoping I get a second chance in life 😅
December 28, 2019
– Well, I dreamt about Myla again. She’s ever so persistent. She must really like me! Hehe. But I dreamt about Stacey again last night. Yet another intense dream. Oh, it’s quite sad and I’m filled with longing. In the dream, I was talking to her mom who told me Stacey had sex with some boys. I forget the whole story, but I was pretty sad about finding that out. And then, I told Stacey’s mom about the truth. The reason why I chose Stacey and somehow she was quite understanding of it. And I met with Stacey again and we were doing some videogame of some sort. Freakin’ weird and inconsistent dream. But because of that dream I miss Stacey all the more. I don’t want her first time making love to be with someone who’s not serious about her. My day is now filled with longing for Stacey. Ah, whatever. I should go look for a replacement for my phone.
March 14, 2019
– Well, I almost lost this journal. Good thing it was just inside the men’s dressing room at the Chapel.
My problems these days has to do with responsibility. I’m always so lazy in doing anything responsible and I sleep most of the time. I don’t know if this is caused by the meds or if I’m just straight up irresponsible. . . Well, it’s most probably the latter and if not, it’s probably 40% meds and 60% just me. Oh, I don’t know. It’s beginning to dawn on me that I’m not prepared to live on my own as an adult. I’m fully dependent on mom right now so, I’m shielded from most of the hardships people my age are going through. But mom’s close to retiring and she gets sick every now and then. It may seem like there’s no problem for now, but the time will come for me to have to be independent and I don’t know if I’ll be ready for it. I’m completely ignorant of the world around me, and I’ve learned nothing but to ask my parents for help. For this reason, it’s beginning to dawn on me that I may not be ready to be in a relationship. At least, not in financial terms. I’m not ready to take responsibility for another person. I can’t even take responsibility for myself!
Fun Fact: Viewing another person’s Stories in Facebook and Instagram actually notifies them that you viewed it. I am so busted. Anyways, while I was scrolling down on Facebook, I accidentally viewed Myla’s stories!!! . . . And clicked the heart button!!! Twice!!! OH, MY GOSH!!! Just kill me now, please.
With that out of the way, I realize now the sacrifice I have to make. I can’t be romantically involved with anyone at this stage of my life. It’s like in that episode of Honey and Clover where Takemoto realized he can’t be with Hagu to take care of her. He would only be a burden if he tried. Man, life sucks. Welp, tomorrow is Stacey’s birthday . . .
March 15, 2019
– 12:06 am
Happy Birthday, Stacey Angela!!!
Happy 15th Birthday!!!
There’s no way I can say these things to you anymore . . .
August 04, 2019
– I hate people. Just so much right now. And now that’s out of the way . . .
Some interesting turn of events today. Ah, where do I begin? So, in my December 25th entry I talked about that weird dream about Myla and, well, it was a very interesting dream. I had a feeling that the dream somehow resembled that Catherine dream I had in college, the fact that the dream almost came true in an almost literal sense. Heck, I think it’s what they call idiom, you know, “A shoulder to cry on.” If that isn’t a prophetic dream then, I don’t know what is.
And so, because I figure that dream about Myla may be a premonition as well, I took certain steps to see this dream through this time around. They were small steps, mind you, so, it’s not a really big deal. I didn’t do anything phenomenal, really. But I took the dream seriously and what it showed me. Basically, all it meant was I should wait for a time where I can show my good side so it just comes natural and nothing feels forced. So, on my first attempt it was at Church. The basses are usually situated at the third row and before us, on the second row are the mix of altos and a few sopranos (the majority of sopranos occupy the first row). I always sit on the side facing the women because Stacey. Because, why not? Myla officiates at the same time as I do most of the time. I don’t make any effort changing where I sit just to be near Myla. Actually, I never thought of doing that at all! Didn’t realize until now that that could be an option. Yeah, anyways when our organist fixed our sitting arrangements, and I hardly get moved from where I already was, Myla got placed on the side facing the women and, being an alto, she sat directly or almost directly beneath me. And so, having been given this chance I gave it my all singing all the hymns. I figure, if this girl were ever to really fall in love with me, she should fall in love for the right reasons. And so, I think it was at least twice that she officiated that I sang wholeheartedly and for her to really hear. But nothing happened. She wasn’t moved by my singing, at least I don’t think she was. Safe to say, that wasn’t the catalyst. Not yet, at least.
August 05, 2019
– Well, yesterevening was something. I was so giddy with happiness I didn’t know what to do with myself. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let me continue with my story . . .
So, from that day I dreamt about Myla and onward, I will not deny I’ve thought about her. Sometimes even replacing my thoughts about Stacey. I didn’t see through that dream I once had about Catherine. Even when she was within arms reach, I didn’t make a move. Because, why the chubby girl? Right? I didn’t want my fate to be decided by some dream. I guess you can say I was seeking autonomy. Also, I was immature back then . . . Well, I’m still immature up ’til now, but I was, you know, more. And also, I lacked insight. I couldn’t tell the value of a person. Also, I was grossed out. L😂L
So, now that I’ve mellowed down a bit, and am basically turning thirty and having no girlfriend since the dawn of time, and because I realize now I shouldn’t be picky with people unless I want to end up, well, end up how I am right now: having no friends or a social life. Now, I actually weighed my options with Myla. She really does seem like a very decent girl, and she’s smart. She puts an effort in looking pretty. She likes posting funny memes on Facebook. But, most of all, she really seem very decent and that’s really important to me right now.
Ah, I don’t know. Let me put it this way; I’ve seen much of the bad side in people, I see how hard for some to keep a decent relationship. And Stacey, well, I feel like even if we do end up together she will just hurt me. I am frustrated and fed up of all these people’s crappy attitudes. I’m not nearly as trusting of people as I was before. Even when I have the need to make friends, I never let my guard down. Not for a sec.
And so, Myla is kind of a breath of fresh air. She doesn’t dazzle me, she doesn’t send me on a rollercoaster ride, but she at least will never hurt me . . .
But it’s funny, though. This couple EJ and Cariz, they’re getting married. I’ve known Cariz before, but I’ve never seen this quite a bit of an ugly side to her. She’s spiteful and all passive-aggressive, at least that’s how I see it. And her and EJ are getting married. The proposal was pretty grand. EJ did it during Church socializing or something. It seems, in spite everything EJ decides he just wants to make Cariz happy because he seems to be the only one who can and who is willing to do it. I admire him for being that brave.
I figure, wasn’t that my goal with Stacey, too? Didn’t I want to make her happy at some point? I never did really see her as just a kid. I’ve always been looking forward, always had my sights in the future.
. . . I got dragged into being a Church officer in KDW and I say “dragged” in spite my freely accepting it because, oh, what the hell? This is just gonna be one more obligation I have to fulfill. But actually, at the back of my head I was thinking, “Hmm, one step closer to Myla.” But I didn’t have high expectations. What’s there to expect, really? Oh, yeah, the dream. And just so it never be said that I didn’t made an effort, I joined KDW with mild reluctance.
So, it was in this Meeting where everybody was playing party games. It started raining, but the games continued inside the BKBN room. I got dragged into it as well.
So, there was this one game where each team formed a line and each were to draw an image without telling their teammates what it actually is. It’s basically the game Pass the Message with a twist, wherein, instead of speaking, you pass the message by drawing and the person last in line must guess it correctly in order to win. I was last in line in our team so, I had to guess. Oh, and Myla and the other KDW officers managed and oversaw the whole program. So, the game went on and after a few wrong guesses, I decided to hell with this, I’m gonna do whatever I want. I wrote, as my guess to my teammates’ drawing, “Mga Bigong Pangarap Ko.” (“My Failed Dreams”) And so, sister Nell laughed her head out, EJ made a comment, and Cess wore a sour face as she read outloud my incredibly dumb answer. And also, and this is important (sort of) Myla took notice.
August 06, 2019
– Why was it that in my dream I felt so madly in love? So much so that the feeling lingered up until I was awake. Ah, but why put too much stock in a dream? It’s just a dream. We’re not sure if it actually means anything. Even with the events that has been happening, I still have room for much doubt and skepticism.
Because how can I ever be actually in love and with someone I hardly knew?
After that KDW Meeting, I joined in their caucus because, like I said before, I’m taking a new duty in KDW. Why is it that Myla behaved the way she did at the time? Why was she being all goofy and somehow giddy with excitement? Was that just how she really was or was she like that because I was there? Did that mean she is somewhat even a little bit interested in me? Was it all because of that little joke I made earlier that she mistook me for a really cool person? And, most importantly, had the dream finally begun to come true?!
I should also mention by now that Myla has quite a lot of suitors, at least that’s how I deduced it through all the infos I gathered on fb. Yep, there’s that Jun kid who seems very serious about her and who doesn’t seem to want to take “no” for an answer. And then, there’s Red who seems to like me because, who wouldn’t? He seems to be tailing Myla often and if I didn’t know any better I’d say there’s something going on between the two of them.
But the thing is Myla is not looking for a boyfriend at the moment. You have to admire the girl for her level of maturity. She wants to focus on her career first because she obviously has a firm grasp on reality. Life isn’t all sunshine and rainbows.
But since she has quite the handful of guys fawning over her, why should I bother to make a move? Why bother with all this dream crap? Also, why bother since I’ve no job at the age of 29 and no accomplishment whatsoever? I can’t be serious about a girl since I can’t even be bothered to take my own life seriously. I’m all fun and no work. I’d make a terrible boyfriend.
But the question still remains . . . Is she actually in to me? If she is, I’d like to know her reasons.
I can’t, for the life of me, figure out if the dream is coming true. On one hand, I’d like to believe the dream is an actual message from God, pointing me the right way. And on the other hand, I’m like, “What the hell, Yuuta? Grow up, for Pete’s sake.” Part of me wants to be realistic. Part of me is also a bit bitter because I hate having failed expectations. But part of me hopes that there’s still some semblance of magic and mystery in this cold, harsh reality. Part of me is actually willing to get to know her, know what makes her tick, what her flaws are. Part of me wants to believe I can learn to fall in love with this girl. And so, we come to the night of August 4 . . .
The Night of August 04
– So, I just asked EJ earlier that day if the KDW were having a caucus later on. He then asked if I could join them in going to see the choral competition at around 2 pm. I agreed to come in spite of myself. So, we went and the competition didn’t start until some time around 7 or 8 pm, I think. In between 2 pm and 7 pm, a fellow Church officer named Lloyd noticed me drawing my comics on my iPad and was quite impressed. Also, Myla and Red came and I was just beginning to wonder if they were joined in the hip or something.
I have no real love life. All I have are just these fantasies about Stacey. And yet, here I am listening to sad love songs like I’m broken on the inside or something. I don’t know. I just don’t know. It’s like I’m endlessly wanting so many things. I don’t understand. If I have so much longing for the warmth of another human being, does that guarantee true happiness? Or am I just being led on by all these romantic nonsense I see on T.V. and read on books? Why am I trying to find joy in another person whom I know will fail me? Why am I always overly dramatic when I write?!!?
And so, the choral competition started that night of Sunday. Our locale’s choral group performed and a few minutes after that, I saw Myla along with Red leave the vicinity.
I had an unexpectedly strong reaction in seeing the two leave. Very, very strong reaction. The two had been together the whole time and now that we were not even halfway through the program they were already leaving? Something was definitely fishy, but most importantly something was gnawing in my chest. I felt pain. I felt like I’m being left behind again. I felt like in those sad love songs I’ve been listening to.
But it was stupid. What I felt was stupid. So very stupid. I shouldn’t feel betrayed or any of that kind of junk because I wasn’t in love. Not with Myla, not with anyone. I’m not in love so, I don’t deserve to have my feelings hurt. I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did because I’m a lone wolf and I always have been. It’s just so stupid to feel so depressed about these kinds of things when you know your own brain is messing with you, and your own heart is lying to you. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.
I’m not in love so, I shouldn’t be hurt (Now I’m all depressed. Why the heck did I have to relive all those pent up emotions?!)