August 07, 2019: The Night of August 04 Continued
– I’ve just rewatched Reality Bites today, an almost 3 decade-old film starring Wynona Reider or Rider, I don’t know (I rewatched The Last Kiss yesterday, too. Just to note). Anyways, having watched it again I had the impression that, well, Myla may be able to relate? I sure feel like she might like it. Oh, I don’t know. I have this weird idea that Myla and Red have the same love-hate relationship that the main characters in Reality Bites had. Oh, I don’t know. I have a terribly wild imagination. That’s one of the reasons I went coo-coo, but, anyways . . .
After the choral competition had finished, me, EJ and the others drove back to our Chapel where we were to finally begin our caucus. I figure it was just the four of us who would be having the caucus since I figure Red had already escorted Myla home, but, as it turns out, Red was just playing basketball with the others and Myla is, oh, I don’t know. Their cheerleader? Or is it as Lloyd described it, they’re ALL showing off to Myla?
We waited for them to finish their game before we started our caucus and during that time I got acquainted to Lloyd who happened to be reading Harry Potter and the Cursed Child. And, being me, I shared some trivias about the book even though I admitted to not having read it myself. In our short exchange of information, I learned that Lloyd was a part-time student and is currently taking Digital Animation in NEW. Seems we almost share the same interests and I may have found a friend in him, but that remains to be seen. I don’t know if it’s my self-persecuting mentality but before I went on my way after our caucus I sensed some aggression in his voice? Ah, I don’t know. I’m crazy, remember?
Before I go on, I would like to mention that there used to be a “game” app or something that got popular on fb. It’s where supposedly you’re to ask something to your crush and he/she won’t be notified it was actually you who posted it. Then, your crush can post your question publicly and he/she also shares to the public her answer to your question.
Basically, the point of the game is “confess without losing fez (face)” because “supposedly” your crush won’t ever have a way of finding out it was you. I did it. With Myla. Figured there was nothing to lose. But it wasn’t much of a confession anymore than it was a series of questions about whether or not she’d entertain my courting her . . . which, of course, I hardly got into doing because whatever. Well, I mentioned this because I don’t want to dismiss the possibility that Myla knows I am the one of the MANY who confessed to her on Profoundly. So, yeah, she has a lot of suitors, as it turns out. Sheesh! She must love how guys are going gaga over her.
And with that out of the way, I shall continue with my story. Myla and her boys finally came to the BKBN room and sat next to me but we got separated because of some commotion. But it’s worth pointing out that she purposely sat next to me. The thing is, I was already giddy with excitement not because of Myla, but because of Lloyd whom I had fun talking to. Then, Myla came and . . . I don’t know. It’s hard when you’re half-crazy. You can’t tell if a girl is giving you signals or if it’s all in your head and you’re going crazy! So, during the caucus we discussed some stuff for the Family Fun Day, some preparations. We also talked about designing the bulletin board and, hey, wouldn’t you know? Myla mentioned me. And so, we had a bit of exchange but that was that. It was hardly small talk because she just asked and I answered. And I still am not sure if she’s giving me signals or I’m going crazy again. A bit of exaggeration, I know, but you can never be so sure.
What’s the point, anyway? I feel that, even though she does really seem like a decent person compared to everyone else, she just likes the attention. You can almost say she is toying with me because who would be that interested in a person you hardly knew? I’m one to talk, aren’t I? Ah, I suppose I just can’t help but be pessimistic. Although, I did want to befriend her but not in this setting. Not in this “environment.” It’s like a world of high expectations and fleeting, instant gratification. I mean, why can’t she seem to contain her happiness when I’m around? It’s like she’s high or something. I just wanted to keep things chill: a few conversations here and there, and insert some funny remark. I can’t make my move when she’s being, well, this giddy little girl on cloud nine all the time. It’s not like I’m gunning to be her boyfriend. I’m not an ideal boyfriend to have at the moment anyways. It’s not like she’ll say yes, too.
In the dream, after I had given away some presents Myla approached me and it was her turn to stutter and mumble. It’s like the dream was telling me that Myla was just as awkward and timid as me. A kindred soul, perhaps. Two halves of the same coin . . . Oh, what do I know?
Oh, but I make it sound like Myla’s in to me but we don’t know that for sure. But if you ask me if I’m in to her, I can safely say no (in spite crying myself to sleep yesterevening). No, I hardly know the girl. But there is that dream and even with my effort to put my feet on the ground, part of me is hoping that my search is coming to an end.
I always include Stacey in my prayers. Every after Church, I would kneel before God and ask for blessings for me and my family. And after that, I would pray for Stacey’s well-being. I pray that God would not deny her the best life she can have, but mostly I pray for her soul so that even in spite her environment, her upbringing and the way she sees herself as half-bad she will break free from those bonds and find her place among God’s people.
And I don’t pray to be together with her again. When I pray, it’s no longer about me. It’s just her. I always wish the best for her. And you know what? I think this kind of sadness is beginning to be really addicting. It’ll be some time ’til something else tops that.
What makes the person the right one? The one you’ll want to spend your whole life with. The one you want to be the parent of your children. The one you want to share a family with. The faithful companion through thick and thin. Is it, as they say, like a soulmate, a missing part of you that’s waiting to be found? Is it like destiny, that your fates were meant to intertwine since the beginning of time? Is it something astronomical, bordering on the supernatural? Or is it merely biology, the instinct to procreate, to multiply for no other reason other than survival?
Ah, what is love? And what’s the point of loving someone? Why am I so hung up about all this? It’s like I’m tryong to creatr imaginary problems for myself out of sheer boredom. Well, anyways it’s not like I’m gonna ask Myla to be my girlfriend. Nope. No can do. Even if she made herself available, I just can’t. I’m turning thirty and I’m living on a unit that’s being paid for by my mom. My father HAS to babysit me because I’m useless on my own. Because I don’t know how the real world works. I spend my time playing games, playing Batman, playing BATMAN, and PLAYING BATMAN.
I’m not qualified for this romance crap because I will just end up embarassing myself . . . But I do want to be her friend. What can I say? I’d rather have one friend who is a girl than have a hundred friends who are all guys. I’m homophobic that way. I really don’t mind being friend zoned for the right reasons: in that I don’t want to be a burden to anyone. I want to be the “best” friend a girl can have . . . but not in a gay way, of course. Not in a gay way😁
August 10, 2019
So, I told mom about Myla and the dream. I told her all the weird stuffs I couldn’t comprehend, and after telling mom all that mom had this to say: girls don’t fall for guys instantly. I kind of already knew that. Maybe I just have my head above the clouds. Wish falling in love was as simple as looking at a person and say, “She’s the one.” Wish it was this magical thing where two people have been destined to be together even before the whole universe was conceived. I guess you can also somewhat say that I sort of wanted it to be Myla, I think? To be the one. Maybe. I don’t know.
I suppose she makes me feel . . . something. But its probably just a fleeting and trivial feeling (although I’ve been writing about Myla for almost a week now). The thing is, she might be showing her interest in me now, but once we get to know each other, I bet you a million bucks the magic will fade away.
The thing is, I don’t want it to fade.